Between a Rock and a Hard Place

I’m slowly growing restless again, antsy. However, not unhappy and not drained. I do not feel depleted, although I feel slightly drained with the mundane, every day ritual. I relish change, and I live for adventure. In my opinion, life is too short to be anything but happy. I have always been a huge proponent for the fact that if you do not like something, then you should change it. Stop complaining and then take action.

It is so easy to stay comfortable, to stay in the familiar and to stay with what and who we know. Why rock the boat? If we have a model that works for us-we should keep going with that, right? But I have never really been that way.

To onlookers of my life, it might seem as if my life has no direction, but believe me, I have direction and I have a plan. It might take me longer to execute than others, but if I am being frank, no one ever said on their deathbed, “I wish I worked more hours.” Part of why Americans are so unhappy is because they work day in and day out to afford their bills and maybe one or two vacations a year. But three weeks, three weeks is not enough for me.

My mind is constantly drifting, constantly wandering. I am so curious, about  life, about the world. And the only way to truly learn and to truly explore is to get out there and do it. You cannot learn about life or the world from sitting behind your desk at the computer. That might work for some people, but not for me. After all, what’s wrong with my life if I have a plan? Whenever I try to argue a point to my parents, I always point out how it could be worse and point fingers at some of my friends. Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends, and even some of my former friends. But let’s be real, some of them, many of them have unrealistic plans and are merely just drifters, relying on their parents, or whatever it might be. A former friend of mine, she dropped out of college after two years, and to this day shows no signs of wanting to go back to college. She lacks motivation and determination. So, I always say, “mom, dad, look at it this way, it could be worse. I could be Kaila, Jasmine, Cali, Andrea.” But at least I have some semblance of a future.

I turn 27 tomorrow, and let me just say that my life is no where near where I thought it would be at this age. I thought I would be married, with kids, a house, a few pets. But the closer I get to certain ages, the more milestones I hit, the more I realize that perhaps that is not what I really want, but what I feel like I should have because that is what has been pushed into our heads from such a young age. We grow up, go to college, graduate, get married, have kids. That is comfortable. And if that works for some people, then great. But the older I get, the my lessons I learn and the more I realize that I need to stop following somebody else’s path and dance to the beat of my own drums. Sometimes, you simply have to carve out your own step. It’s always about creating the life you want, because you are the one who has to live it.

It’s a double whammy you see? You can go, leave your comfortable life behind and not know where you are going or where you will end up? You simply jump into the unknown with more hope than anything else in the world. Then there is the matter of returning…not knowing how things have changed, not knowing how your relationships with your family, friends, everyone has changed. Not knowing when and if you will find a job when you return.

So, right now, at this point in my life, I guess you can say that I am caught between a rock and a hard place. I feel stuck in life; I am never moving forward and never moving backward. The life I have that I have built for myself so far is safe, comfortable. But every day is predictable. I know what is going to happen, day after day, day in and day out. Not a whole lot changes. But I am someone who lives on the edge. I like taking chances, going on adventures, learning new things and trying new things.

So what do I do? Should I stay or should I go? It’s like that Alexz Johnson song, “I don’t know if I should stay…” so you can see my current predicament.

 

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