I am counting down the days until I can resign from my job position. It is not a good place to work. Happiness is and has Always been my top priority. And right now, I’m not happy. You know, to an extent, I feel like Cheryl Strayed. Lost and Wandering. I am so far away from the person my mother raised and so far away from who I am and who I used to be. In actuality, I have no clue who I am anymore.
Where I am in life right now, it’s a lonely place to be. I can’t even find a boyfriend or someone to love me and take care of me. I don’t have a companion and feel as if I will be alone in life, walking and wandering this road less traveled solo. My heart has been broken more times than I can count, and yet I keep trusting and trying. I keep trying to have faith, trying to love again, and trying to feel, and nothing, anymore. It’s like my heart is made of stone. I don’t even trust men anymore. They tell me I’m beautiful, pretty, smart and intelligent, even though I myself do not believe it. They are like pinatas. So full of lies and bullshit, it’s unbelievable. They are pushy and rude and inconsiderate. Where oh where have the good guys gone?
Have you ever read the book trilogy, Delirium, by Lauren Oliver? Well, it’s about a dystopian society, in which at age 17, every citizen has to undergo a surgery to prevent them from falling in love. Love is considered a disease, the Delirium Nervosa. Why can’t we have that in real life? Here is a question for you. Why do we love those who hurt us and hurt those who love us? Just some food for thought; that is something that I have always wondered.
I’m afraid to love, afraid to trust, because guys don’t care about anyone but themselves. They hide their motves and lie to get what they want. I swear, if we got rid of all men on Earth, life would be much happier. They are major stressors, and the root source of every problem we have. Yes, I know, this post is a far cry from my more recent one, where I swore to be falling in love. But what do I know about love? I’m only 25. I confuse sex with love, and jump into bed with any guy who calls me beautiful or hot or makes me feel sexy, because I don’t feel that way about myself. It’s like, after my very first boyfriend and I broke up, every action and decision I have made since has been horrible and half-baked.
Maybe that’s what I need to get out of this trip to Italy. I’ve lost my voice, and I need to find it again. I want to find love, happiness and sanity.